May 13, 2011

May 13, 2011: I’ve been gone for a while, dwelling in the darkness. There have been more lows than highs but that’s okay. I’m finding my way back to what makes me happy, to what keeps me sane. I’m growing up and realizing that what matters in life most is me. I took me and all and all my awesome qualities for granted, because I have nothing to give but myself but for some of you that’s not enough. Then I was bombarded with self-worthlessness because for some of you my very existence is enough to piss you off and I sank into a hole. My ability to reason was thrown off and there’s no way I can justify the “Why’s” of the whole situation. Why they hate me so much when all I am is here? Why do they degrade me, belittle and insult me?  Why do they want to keep me down and submissive? Why does that make them smile? Why wasn’t I the chosen one? Why am I still waiting for approval when I know I will never get it? Why am I surprised? Why does it hurt as if it were the very first ‘Why’? These last 3 months have been trying, testing my will and I will be the first to say that I failed the test. It’s been a series of unfortunate events, where some situations are more laughable than others. I have thee worlds worst and most spoiled puppy. I need her to be Dog Whisperer’d-Where is Mr. Milan when you need him (he ought to have a signal we can shine into the sky like Batman did) . She’s single handedly destroyed my apartment and furniture. Though I was never a fan of the tan couch and matching tan lazy boy chair, I’m even less of a fan now that they both have big, gapping holes in them so big I can hide a toddler in it, both with their plush-cottony insides exposed for the entire world to see. She’s eaten the walls, pulled up the carpet, destroyed patio furniture, feather pillows and still all I can do is love her…and thwack the fuck out of her with a rolled up newspaper. She’s so good at being Cujo’s  number one apprentice she will even put herself on time out or go to bed early with no supper.  That right there is unspeakable dog training at it’s finest. Let’s couple that with personal and professional turmoil and what you have is Michelle, crying like a baby for the past three months and popping an unfathomable amount of pills and drinking an ocean amount of beer but unlike Chucky Sheen, I am not winning. I have to pick myself up from here. Here is 50ft below rock bottom and I don’t see a light anymore. I have to pick myself up from here because here is a lonely existence. Everyone is gone and no, I’m not looking for anyone but me down here. Here is where I am at in life, here is what I can give and here is where I’ve decided that if you can’t accept me here, if you can’t help me get from here, then you aren’t privileged to be with me, anywhere.