Daily Random Rants & Raves..

May 13, 2011: I’ve been gone for a while, dwelling in the darkness. There have been more lows than highs but that’s okay. I’m finding my way back to what makes me happy, to what keeps me sane. I’m growing up and realizing that what matters in life most is me. I took me and all and all my awesome qualities for granted, because I have nothing to give but myself but for some of you that’s not enough. Then I was bombarded with self-worthlessness because for some of you my very existence is enough to piss you off and I sank into a hole. My ability to reason was thrown off and there’s no way I can justify the “Why’s” of the whole situation. Why they hate me so much when all I am is here? Why do they degrade me, belittle and insult me?  Why do they want to keep me down and submissive? Why does that make them smile? Why wasn’t I the chosen one? Why am I still waiting for approval when I know I will never get it? Why am I surprised? Why does it hurt as if it were the very first ‘Why’? These last 3 months have been trying, testing my will and I will be the first to say that I failed the test. It’s been a series of unfortunate events, where some situations are more laughable than others. I have thee worlds worst and most spoiled puppy. I need her to be Dog Whisperer’d-Where is Mr. Milan when you need him (he ought to have a signal we can shine into the sky like Batman did) . She’s single handedly destroyed my apartment and furniture. Though I was never a fan of the tan couch and matching tan lazy boy chair, I’m even less of a fan now that they both have big, gapping holes in them so big I can hide a toddler in it, both with their plush-cottony insides exposed for the entire world to see. She’s eaten the walls, pulled up the carpet, destroyed patio furniture, feather pillows and still all I can do is love her…and thwack the fuck out of her with a rolled up newspaper. She’s so good at being Cujo’s  number one apprentice she will even put herself on time out or go to bed early with no supper.  That right there is unspeakable dog training at it’s finest. Let’s couple that with personal and professional turmoil and what you have is Michelle, crying like a baby for the past three months and popping an unfathomable amount of pills and drinking an ocean amount of beer but unlike Chucky Sheen, I am not winning. I have to pick myself up from here. Here is 50ft below rock bottom and I don’t see a light anymore. I have to pick myself up from here because here is a lonely existence. Everyone is gone and no, I’m not looking for anyone but me down here. Here is where I am at in life, here is what I can give and here is where I’ve decided that if you can’t accept me here, if you can’t help me get from here, then you aren’t privileged to be with me, anywhere. 


Sept 7,2010: Is running away the true answer? My guess is that it would all depend on what the question is so, yes and no. Your demons will follow you wherever you go! Sounds like a morbid Dr. Seuss rhyme but it’s true! Who’s to say it’s actually running away? Maybe sometimes all we need is a change of venue, different scenery. I guess with my history of being flighty, it would be considered ‘running’. There’s a sense of urgency to start fresh but I have to consider all that I would be leaving behind. But if I let those types of things stop me, I would never move forward. So you call on yourself, “Self, does moving a few thousand miles away better you or destroy you?” Shit, I can self-destruct anywhere, anytime and any place. So I can’t say that, “yes” if I leave it would improve my life; I’d gain insight, better myself, positive shit will ensue...yadda, yadda, yadda and all that jazz…wrong! Like I said before, your demons will follow you wherever you go. So now it all boils down to reality versus expectations. I expect that my leaving would be phenomenal in everyway! Smooth as a baby’s butt!! Transition and all, no broken glasses, no ridiculous moving cost, my home would be in prime condition, my new co-workers at my brand new job would greet me with open arms. Maybe, I’d even a bouquet of my favorite flowers!! And hell, while I’m being delusional, I’d have a raise and the sexy mover guy/model would be my baby’s daddy!! We’d live happily ever, yes; in my head, that is what could happen if I move...WARPED EXPECTATIONS!! Then reality rears its’ ugly head from who-knows-where and sets in. All my shit would be broken and scratched; nothing is safe from the unsexy, bear of man that is chucking my shit into the back of the U-Haul!! My apartment would be a dump due to the fact that all I got to see was the Photoshopped pictures online. I’d work with complete idiots and bitches, not to mention the massive pay cut I have to take (and still have massive amounts of responsibilities). Transition over would be rough, ranging from homesickness; to drunken fist fights with myself and an upset stomach from a diet of whiskey and Flaming Hot Fritos coupled with swollen eye ducts due to excessive crying and vomiting. Top it all off with regret for moving and sprinkle lightly with being permanently screwed because the moving cost was the last of my money and I’m stuck in a brand new shit hole!! Seal it with a slew of,” I TOLD YOU SO, DUMBASS!” and damnit, I have just managed to snap myself back into reality! Reality, she can be such a dirty little whore! If you followed the trail of lunacy to the end, you can actually detect when the time bomb went off. So, again I ask: Is running away the true answer? My answer would be; all depends on how fast you can run and what your running from.


Sept 3, 2011: Who in Hell ever said that, "Money was the root to all evil" must have never been broke, a day in his life! I can sure use a little evil nowadays and not the natural evilness I exude on a daily basis! Me thinks it's about time "we" (yes, me and all the voices in my head) begin to collaborate...while one voice is excessivee the other is not and somewhere far and in between we can find a middle man. My excessive side is plotting and scheming to rob a hooker blind, but with the economy being down, my sensible side is saying that sales are most likely down too.  My evil side feels that we should cook our own version of crank but then Miss Sensibility steps in and feels that with our reputation and history..we'd become addicted to our own product! In these times, being pure and honest will get you stepped on and left out in the cold. The only true survivors are the thieves, the liars, cheaters and selfish bastards that look out for only themselves! We are living in a corrupt society ruled by an even more corrupt government. Sorry to say but Mr. Barrack Obama..isn't doing shit, won't do shit and is also in bed with corruption. He's looking out for himself and his family and can give a fuck about us ants working to live instead of the other way around. Should we continue to exist under a totalitarian rule? We will, until we all wake the fuck up and become corrupt ourselves....


Sept 1, 2011: Why is it that we are our own worst enemies and harshest critics? I have to ask myself this question on a daily basis because I can be so hard, on me. I'm unsure of all the expectations I have for myself but I know that sometimes my standards are set too high. Someone once told me I was a perfectionist, but I can’t see that through all the flaws. So naturally I had to research the meaning of perfectionism and damn…they were right. There are two types of perfectionist, normal and neurotic. You can guess that I am a Neurotic Perfectionist. This is someone who is unable to feel satisfaction because in their own eyes they never seem to do things [well] enough to warrant that feeling of satisfaction. Can this be advantageous to meeting goals and striving for glory? Not at all. Quite the opposite, it can lead to procrastination and self-depreciation. This again, leads me back to my point that, I am my own worst enemy. This all or nothing state of mind is exhausting! I get a dose of me daily, my thoughts are always being derailed by visions of what I could have been or what I feel I should be doing (obviously better that what I am doing now). My cerebral cortex must be like Mr. Toads Wild Ride for neurons, whenever I start blasting off like a rocket of lunacy. I just want more for me than what I can offer myself. So, with that said…drastic times call for drastic measures! Since my big ass can’t swing on a pole looks like I’m going to have to pimp out someone who can! (You know who you are too!) It’s either the pole or the hoe stroll…what can I say, I’m trying to be a new-age, more versatile pimp! I can’t help myself, what you see is what you get. I can only be me.

 Aug 26, 2011: One can always gage my mood by the way I speak, so when I begin to referring to myself in 3rd person...that means I'm having a moment. It's not actually me that has the issue, it's time. Time is bi-polar and unlucky for me, however, my body is somehow mystically synced with the universe. Really, it's true, I wouldn't force feed you a bunch of bullshit, or would I? So as the time changes, I do too. I'm on this path alone, I walk along it..a few times a day. I've been in the dark longer than anyone will ever know. You don't understand and never will, not unless your inside me. You have to be a tough individual to be able to with stand the twisted ride my mind can take you on. I always say that no one would be able to last tens seconds in my head. These thoughts are deadly. It's now 11:44am, time has been tampered with. Outside influences have created a fluctuation in time's mood. She's now on rampage, rage is swelling inside and ready to explode and any minute. See. it's not me that this is happening too but because I am bound to her, I am trapped within her intervals of happiness and sadness..rage and anger. Her seek and her destroy. It's a love/hate relationship with life, it just all depends on what time it is....Aug. 25: Today is actually kind of decent, other than the fact that I deal with stupidity on a regular basis..all in all..a pretty decent day. But it is 4:20pm, close to the end of my work shift and I have had a daily dose of Vicodin. Which may explain why it's a good day. Tomorrow is a different story!!