Happy Holidays
There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the time we were happy"
-Dante
The holidays are creeping upon us like a wolf stalking its' prey and just like that prey, I can feel the daunting presence and am trembling with fear. Things haven't been the same way in quite sometime so I do apologize, but only half-heartedly, for not being in the holiday spirit. Holidays that are meant to be joyous and spent with family are holidays that have burned an ugly scar on my face and permanently bruised my heart. They are holidays that have left me decaying from the inside out. I haven't traveled down this dark path in quite some time and yet here I am again. But it only happens once maybe twice a holiday season. Happiness is only 258 miles away but it might as well be 10,000. Would you like to know a secret? I am alone in my world and sad. Once again ostracized from my mother during the holidays for the third time in a row, I don't know if it bothers her as much as it bothers me. My tear ducts have swollen to the size of gulf balls and it's getting harder and harder to suppress this permanent lump in my throat. It's true, there is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the time we were happy. It's true that I long; it’s true that I'm in pain, ah the truth. I ask nothing but a few seconds to steal of her time, just she and I, no one else. I long for her to embrace me like she did when I was a child, without the rush, without cold yellow-eyes wishing that I wasn't there. I long for those days when I would wait for her to come home from work in the early morning and she would push me over and climb into bed with me, ask me how my day was, tell me that she missed me and would hold me until I fell asleep again. Things may not have been rainbows and lollipops then but all I had was my mother and that's all I needed to feel complete. I haven't been complete in years. Not since she was kidnapped and brainwashed. I'm her child still but in his eyes, it's only by default. He has soiled her with new DNA and she will forever belong to him. Her new life just doesn't involve me anymore. And yes, I can feel him smile! The beast that smiles with glee. My presence has faded, faded and vanished inside the family portrait and soon, very soon all that will be left is a smudged outline of what use to be me. You know who you are and just because you have killed my presence doesn’t mean my spirit won't live on. I am no longer responsible for what happens I am not me. You killed that Michelle a long time ago but my alter-ego lives. I have stepped outside myself and have allowed the new me to take control, the hatred that I have for you out weighs the sadness I have for her. My new life won't permit me in joining the war but there's still a dark light shining in my soulless existence. She participated in my death but I would never blame her for the poisonous tongue you stuck in her ear. I vowed to never walk this path again, now look at me. My veins are turning black once again. There's no one in this world that can get to me like this, and get me good, so good that I've gone bad. I can't understand this hold that's on me and am working to free myself from this monsters grasp. I can feel the nails in my skin, his grip tears through my flesh and the dark blood is running down my arm where his hands once were. My heart grows colder. Should I be ashamed that I am living a double life devoted making his life hell? Maybe. But I can't see that now. All she has in this life is herself and that isn't enough. I've been blinded and have lost sight of what's important. There is only one focus and that's to........ha, my mind wanders towards various possibilities.
These issues have left me insane, yet it's only temporary. Like I said, with all I've been through, this is allowed once maybe twice a holiday season. So there you have it....Happy Holidays.
Spore on My Lung
Ask me if I am tired of bloodsuckers draining me dry and I will most likely respond with, "Hell yes." You see, I don't wake up every morning and concoct a list of people to antagonize. This just isn't how I get my jollies off. I more or less stay out of the way. However...it never really plays out this way and I become the pigeon who’s being tormented by an old cranky black crow! Whoa, ho, ho!! Big balls? I think so! Unfortunately, I have to cut those balls off. It’s a dire need for me to express that I am serious about what I say, how I feel and what I do. Understand that I am not angry; my mood is slightly comatose. Why? Well, I'm simply bored. This shit has been going on for a while and to be frank, it makes me giggle. Sometimes you do need to air out the dirty laundry, hang it out to dry. It's cool, I'm very much in control of my anger (this does take some practice) and it seems like people mistake that for fear. Here's where we go wrong. I have memorized every insult said, every lie told, all the snub remarks and all the outrageous accusations ever fucking made!! They are permanently seared in my brain. I don't forget, I don't forgive and I don't apologize. You have become my perfect enemy. You have become a spore upon my lung. Keep it up parasite. I'm waiting. And this will ever be over until each spore planted on my lung, constricting me, has been cleared out and I can breathe again.
I Am Left? Fuck It and Fuck You
Ask me if I am tired of bloodsuckers draining me dry and I will most likely respond with, "Hell yes." You see, I don't wake up every morning and concoct a list of people to antagonize. This just isn't how I get my jollies off. I more or less stay out of the way. However...it never really plays out this way and I become the pigeon who’s being tormented by an old cranky black crow! Whoa, ho, ho!! Big balls? I think so! Unfortunately, I have to cut those balls off. It’s a dire need for me to express that I am serious about what I say, how I feel and what I do. Understand that I am not angry; my mood is slightly comatose. Why? Well, I'm simply bored. This shit has been going on for a while and to be frank, it makes me giggle. Sometimes you do need to air out the dirty laundry, hang it out to dry. It's cool, I'm very much in control of my anger (this does take some practice) and it seems like people mistake that for fear. Here's where we go wrong. I have memorized every insult said, every lie told, all the snub remarks and all the outrageous accusations ever fucking made!! They are permanently seared in my brain. I don't forget, I don't forgive and I don't apologize. You have become my perfect enemy. You have become a spore upon my lung. Keep it up parasite. I'm waiting. And this will ever be over until each spore planted on my lung, constricting me, has been cleared out and I can breathe again.
I Am Left? Fuck It and Fuck You
I am left a lifeless mess. The perfect crime committed. Such a cold and bloody scene. Disfiguring me, dismembering me, betrayed and dying, you did this to me. My open veins ooze blood black. A tormented heart, my tormented heart, was continuously pumping within a crown of thorns, beating for only you. Within thorns that were created by you. For you, I was barefoot against my will, treading softly on a bed of broken shells. Tired and worn, the soles of my feet bleed for your bastard self no more. Once, the best of friends and now, Am I your enemy? I wasn't like the others, you said so yourself and now, I’m cast down into the shadowy pit of Hell with the rest. Dumped and discarded so easily. You’ll never know how bad you hurt me, how much I miss you and now why I hate you. I guess this means you are done with me. Not yet, WE are not done until I say WE are done. Fuck it and fuck you, for making me sad. Fuck it and fuck you, for the tears that I've shed. Fuck it and fuck you, for abandoning me. Fuck it and fuck you, for making me trust you. Fuck it and fuck you, for wasting my time. Fuck it and fuck you, for casting me out. Fuck it and fuck you, for betraying me. Fuck it and fuck you, for leaving me in the dark. Fuck it and fuck you for displacing me. Fuck it and fuck you, you arrogant fuck! Dejected, rejected and ostracized. You and I are through. Fuck you and thank you, for opening my eyes. Fuck you and thank you, now I realize that I let my guard down but never again. Sometimes I forget that you can be cruel, selfish, such a vile little vermin. You’re despicable by nature in everyway. Thank you for reminding me but fuck you for the way you reminded me.
